Mind-Clutter

My mind has been majorly cluttered!

For some of April and most of May when I've tried to sit down to read, write, pray, think... My mind just goes 100 mph in several directions at one time.

This whole mind-clutter thing didn't alarm me at first. I figured it would pass when I wrote to-do lists and starting packing and accomplishing tasks, but in fact it has only gotten worse, even to the point of impairing basic decision-making skills on a few occasions.

On Sunday afternoon I decided to take control of the situation. Though I "needed" to work out, do some packing, finish a few assignments for a class... I grabbed my ipod and sunglasses, LEFT MY PHONE at home and headed outside.

I walked to the river and found a sunny seat by the kayak course. I got as comfortable as a girl can be while sitting on rocks, leaned back onto a boulder and just breathed. At times I focused on the words of the worship music I was listening to. Other times I focused on breathing deeply. I focused on the goodness of God and recalled moments of tangible faithfulness this year. I focused on everything EXCEPT the to-do list that has been looming over my head. I took my time. I went home and accomplished more in 2 hours than I had for days before.

On Monday evening I set out for more de-cluttering time and found a shady, grassy area by a quieter part of the river. I did take the phone this time (So I could listen to some Gospel choir music on Pandora) and captured this scene:

He leads me beside the quiet waters, He refreshes my soul. (Psalm 23, TNIV)

Have you ever experienced moderate to severe mind-clutter? How did you banish it? :)

*megan

Waste My Life Part 2

Just in case anyone actually thinks I've got it all together: I don't.

Many days I'd rather keep my life than waste it. (I prefer to practice "selective waste" thinking, "I don't mind pouring myself out for Him, but I don't want to share my life with people." It's really a self-preservation thing.)

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be effective in ministry, and wonder what effectiveness looks like anyway.

Sometimes I find myself looking back and missing my old life. Not the sin-filled life but the easier life when I got to be a normal person who loved Jesus out in the "real world."

Inevitably whenever I let myself go there-- missing my old life-- I am overcome with fear. Luke 9:62 has been haunting me (and I mean haunting) for 2 months and I am left asking myself a hard question: "Am I fit for the Kingdom?"

(Right now I don't have the answer.)

Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite because I typically share only good things on my blog (struggles are shared only in retrospect). To my own detriment, I also approach most of my relationships this way.

So today, I come to my readers as a weak woman, held together only by the cords of grace. I come with many questions and few answers. I confess that I am overwhelmed and without a clue to how to even be a Kingdom person half the time, or 75% of the time, maybe even most of the time.

So... just in case anyone actually thinks I've got it all together: I don't.

*megan

Wow!

One month from today I will be in Floyd, Iowa, venturing into a new season of my journey with the Lord. It is unreal!


I haven't been in full time ministry in years! So much has changed inside of me since the last season of ministry. So much that I hardly know what kind of leader I'll be! I know I'm not perfected in the areas of aggravation, temper, entitlement and other unlovely characteristics that defined me my second year of Master's Commission in Lafayette. But such inner changes have been brought about over the past 2 years... I'm not even the same girl!


My greatest desire for myself this year is to be characterized by love- the first fruit of the Spirit. Fruit needs to be cultivated, and cultivation equals work! Lord, cultivate love in me! I desire such love for the students that even in the most stressful moments I would respond in pure love. Respond, not react. I desire that my love for them would be sacrificial. That I would learn to lay down my life for those whom God has entrusted to my care. That I would cooperate with God's loving will for their lives and seek His leadership in how to love and lead them well.


Yes Lord. Teach me to love and lead well.


*megan
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