Waste My Life Part 2

Just in case anyone actually thinks I've got it all together: I don't.

Many days I'd rather keep my life than waste it. (I prefer to practice "selective waste" thinking, "I don't mind pouring myself out for Him, but I don't want to share my life with people." It's really a self-preservation thing.)

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be effective in ministry, and wonder what effectiveness looks like anyway.

Sometimes I find myself looking back and missing my old life. Not the sin-filled life but the easier life when I got to be a normal person who loved Jesus out in the "real world."

Inevitably whenever I let myself go there-- missing my old life-- I am overcome with fear. Luke 9:62 has been haunting me (and I mean haunting) for 2 months and I am left asking myself a hard question: "Am I fit for the Kingdom?"

(Right now I don't have the answer.)

Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite because I typically share only good things on my blog (struggles are shared only in retrospect). To my own detriment, I also approach most of my relationships this way.

So today, I come to my readers as a weak woman, held together only by the cords of grace. I come with many questions and few answers. I confess that I am overwhelmed and without a clue to how to even be a Kingdom person half the time, or 75% of the time, maybe even most of the time.

So... just in case anyone actually thinks I've got it all together: I don't.

*megan

NYC Abortions

Putting things in perspective:

In 2009, 87,273 unborn babies were aborted in NYC alone (see the CBS.com report).

This number is 29 times the number of victims killed in the September 11th attacks of 2001. While we rightly remember and honor the lives lost on that day, let us not forget the tragedy that unfolds every day in America.

But let us not only remember. Knowledge and even strong emotions are of no value if we remain passive. I want to encourage and challenge you to fast and pray for spiritual awakening and awareness of the deep love of Jesus for mothers in NYC, our nation and across the earth. Stand between heaven and earth for even a few days a month and I guarantee you that your love and burden for these mothers and babies will expand.

There are many lives hanging in the balance, and I'm just crazy enough to believe that intercession can actually change things in a place where I am not physically present. Sometimes we partner with Jesus by being His hands and feet to broken people. Sometimes we partner with Jesus by joining Him on our knees in intercession. And sometimes we do both.

We cry out...

*megan

I Will Waste My Life

I will waste my life,
I'll be tested and tried.
With no regrets inside of me,
Just to find I'm at Your feet,
Let me find I'm at Your feet.

I leave my father's house, and I leave my mother.
I leave all I have known, and I'll have no other.

For I am in love with You,
and there is no cost.
I am in love with You,
and there is no loss.
I am in love with You,
I want to take Your name.
I am in love with You,
I want to cling to You, Jesus,
Just let me cling to You, Jesus.

I say goodbye to my father, my mother,
I turn my back on every other lover, And I press on, yes I press on.

["I Will Waste My Life", Misty Edwards]

I first heard this song in the summer of 2008 and was quite uncomfortable with the terminology "waste my life." It seemed a strange thing to say about serving a worthy God. I couldn't get past the first line because I just didn't get it. Too often when I don't understand something I just forget about it and move on. [I've missed a lot that way. Not recommended.]

Time has past, and recently I find this song wrecking me. I know no other way to put it. I'm just beginning to understand this lovesick desperation to be one with Jesus. The burning desire to take His name, to love Him more, to know the deep things of His heart.

Many people are surely wasting their lives on a whole lot of nothing. That is not what Misty is singing about here! A more accurate definition is: "to use, consume, spend, or expend thoughtlessly or carelessly." This song is about extravagant love that consumes one's entire being.

Extravagant love like that of the immoral woman who poured out fragrant oil (worth a year's wages) over the feet of Jesus without a care.

Extravagant love like David's when he thoughtlessly and furiously danced before the Lord. Passionate, consuming love doesn't think twice.

Extravagant love that compelled a poor widow to give all she had to her Lord.

Extravagant love like Paul's that testified of the infinite value of knowing Jesus; a burning conviction that becoming one with Him was worth discarding everything else. 

Extravagant love like that of Jesus, whose heart melted within Him as He was poured out to redeem you and I.

It is His extravagant love that beckons us to use, consume, spend, and expend thoughtlessly and even carelessly our very lives... for love.

I will waste my life.

*megan