Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Waste My Life Part 2

Just in case anyone actually thinks I've got it all together: I don't.

Many days I'd rather keep my life than waste it. (I prefer to practice "selective waste" thinking, "I don't mind pouring myself out for Him, but I don't want to share my life with people." It's really a self-preservation thing.)

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be effective in ministry, and wonder what effectiveness looks like anyway.

Sometimes I find myself looking back and missing my old life. Not the sin-filled life but the easier life when I got to be a normal person who loved Jesus out in the "real world."

Inevitably whenever I let myself go there-- missing my old life-- I am overcome with fear. Luke 9:62 has been haunting me (and I mean haunting) for 2 months and I am left asking myself a hard question: "Am I fit for the Kingdom?"
(Right now I don't have the answer.)

Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite because I typically share only good things on my blog (struggles are shared only in retrospect). To my own detriment, I also approach most of my relationships this way.

So today, I come to my readers as a weak woman, held together only by the cords of grace. I come with many questions and few answers. I confess that I am overwhelmed and without a clue to how to even be a Kingdom person half the time, or 75% of the time, maybe even most of the time.

So... just in case anyone actually thinks I've got it all together: I don't.



  1. None of us are fit for the kingdom, truthfully we are all miserable wretches. You are not alone in what you feel. It's what makes the grace of God so wonderful, the worse you are, the more humbled you are that Jesus would have interest in you. For when you feel weakest is when you can be useful in the kingdom. People with talent don,t need Jesus. If your not sick you don't need a doctor. It's the way to the feet of Jesus. Down low, just let Him take you there. You won't regret it I promise! Trust me on this!

  2. Oh Your not alone in feeling this way! I have often felt this way and I feel alone because of it and the enemy want us to feel that way. But Be assured My sister in Christ! HE overcomes all and He is our strength! LOVE you!!! Fellowship is GOOD!!! Wink Wink :D


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