Just in case anyone actually thinks I've got it all together: I don't.
Many days I'd rather keep my life than waste it. (I prefer to practice "selective waste" thinking, "I don't mind pouring myself out for Him, but I don't want to share my life with people." It's really a self-preservation thing.)
Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be effective in ministry, and wonder what effectiveness looks like anyway.
Sometimes I find myself looking back and missing my old life. Not the sin-filled life but the easier life when I got to be a normal person who loved Jesus out in the "real world."
Inevitably whenever I let myself go there-- missing my old life-- I am overcome with fear. Luke 9:62 has been haunting me (and I mean haunting) for 2 months and I am left asking myself a hard question: "Am I fit for the Kingdom?"
(Right now I don't have the answer.)
Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite because I typically share only good things on my blog (struggles are shared only in retrospect). To my own detriment, I also approach most of my relationships this way.
So today, I come to my readers as a weak woman, held together only by the cords of grace. I come with many questions and few answers. I confess that I am overwhelmed and without a clue to how to even be a Kingdom person half the time, or 75% of the time, maybe even most of the time.
So... just in case anyone actually thinks I've got it all together: I don't.